Tuesday, May 7, 2013

The Complications of Becoming Fertile

Hi all, 

I was thinking how suddenly - I am not a part of an infertile couple. No longer is my dream so impossible or hard to achieve. It is now possible for me to have a baby the 'old-fashioned' way - perhaps with a little tiny bit of help because of my mild PCOS, but nothing extreme or highly intrusive.

It is strangely both incredibly freeing and saddening, because my former husband won't ever get that opportunity. Others in the infertility world also will never get the second chance that I do. I am just so, so incredibly lucky.

Some part of me will always be thankful for these years facing infertility - it has taught me so much. It has taught me what an amazing gift fertility is and to never, never take it for granted. It has taught me empathy - I can now relate to a whole other world that I, for one, would have never gotten to experience the same way otherwise. It has taught me patience, love, endurance. It made me realise how desperately I want to be a mother, and also, how painful that desperation can be, and just how misunderstood it can be . 

I must admit however, that sometimes, I feel like I am betraying the others that are in the trenches -  while they battle on, I get to walk away. Scarred, certainly, and I will never be the same, but still, walking away. I am sorry for that. Eternally sorry. 

In a strange way - I spent 7 years mourning the children that I could never have with my husband. I can now, finally, lay their ghosts to rest. I can stop wondering what our children would look like, be like. I can just be. 


1 comment:

  1. Life is full of unforeseen and often amazing twists and turns. I wish for you the family that you have always dreamed of.


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