Thursday, April 25, 2013

Good Days, Bad days and In-Between Days

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  
~Anne Lamott~

I have been having good days, bad days and in-between days. Days where I am just ready for it all to be over, and days where I wouldn't change my life for the world.

I feel incredibly lucky. Life has prepared me for this. I am no longer believe that the bad days will never end. I know now, if I just survive this day, the next one will come along. I know that every problem is surmountable, no matter how much I doubt myself.

It doesn't make the dark days any less dark, but it does make them a little easier to bear. That little word 'hope' encourages me to push on, and never give up. It sings a song in my heart, tells me that I have done this before, and I can, and will do it again. It reassures me that I have learnt enough so that this time, it will be easier. I know now that walking away can be a good thing, no matter how much pain you experience in the meantime. The very act of walking away can heal your heart like nothing else. Yes, it creates a new pain - but it will end - whereas staying means it will continue on.

One day at a time. One breath at a time. In, out.


Friday, April 12, 2013


It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.  Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about. 
 ~Alan Ball~

My new life never ceases to surprise me. It is like I am finding myself again after a deep sleep - and I just cannot believe it still. 

It has surprised me whom has been 'present' in my life through the process, and it hasn't been the people that I think would be there. That is not to say that the rest of my friends haven't been there as well, but it has surprised me who has stayed. Whom still rings me and checks in, after that initial "what is going on" phone call.  

I am surprised at how well (at least, right now), I am coping with all of the changes, and the added responsibility. Also, how in so many ways, it is just easier. The only one I am responsible for is myself, and so there is no one else to blame or, in some cases, no one else to  destroy my hard work. Maybe it is because, in the back of my mind somewhere, there was always a quiet voice warning me that this could happen, it isn't a big shock. Well it is, but it isn't completely unexpected.  

It has been a month since we split and the time is just flying. A lot of decisions to be made, and changes to come, so that I can move on. Priceless.


Monday, April 8, 2013


"I am the voice of your history.
Be not afraid, come follow me.
Answer my call and I will set you free."
~ Voice ~

Freedom is bliss. 

When I told a friend that Justin and I had separated, she refused to believe it - couldn't believe that our relationship had such problems. 

It reminded me that often from the outside, people can seem to have it mostly all together - but internally, the opposite is quite true. However even I freely admit that I am still stunned that our relationship came to the end that it did. That it seemingly had so little foundation that all it took was the slightest of touches to blow it away. Ironically, it came at a time when I was finally feeling confident in my relationship and it's stability - that the world had stopped spinning and I was finally able to function a little better both in a relationship, and as myself. 

 That evening, when it all fell apart, we had just gone out to dinner with a group of friends. Life was good, well, seemed good. I look back with a deep sense of irony - I was so intent on having it all together, that I neglected to see the cracks, where all the lies were pouring in. 

I wasn't perfect in our marriage. This I know. I come with a lot of baggage, and a forceful personality. But I am unendingly, brutally honest. He was not. That I know, and in fact, knew.   

It wasn't until I put into action what I had already learnt - that some people cannot change. That hope alone does not work - it takes action and hard work. The truth, should be given as much as possible, particularly when you have made a mistake. They say that you only accept the things that you think you deserve, and for me, I realised that I deserved more. 

25 years is a long time to live with lies. I need to change my expectations - I need to remember that the truth can be, and is, a good thing. That I deserve the truth and the freedoms that brings. To not be afraid. 

Walking in the light, 


Sunday, April 7, 2013


Hi world,

4 weeks ago my carefully crafted world came down with crash. Or maybe it was a sigh. It is hard to tell.

Letting go of a marriage is hard work. Often we fight the inevitable, just to prove everyone else wrong. We hope that we are reading the signs wrong, that we are loved as much as we hope to be. That we are valued, even when in our hearts of hearts, we know that we are not.

Even now, I feel like I should protect him. Even though, at a certain point, he no longer did the same for me. Even though we both failed at our marriage in parts, I was the one whom had to walk away. Because ultimately, learning, growing and change are a good thing in your own life, and should happen in your marriage as well. If they don't, you have to work out why, and create healthy changes yourself. I have never been one to remain silent, and waiting for him to grow up wasn't something I was willing to wait for. Maybe that makes me a failure. But guess what? Unhealthy patterns continue, and I was worth more.

If a person cannot change, because they don't want to, then sometimes, it is better to let them go and wish them luck on their journey.

It has been 7 years full of every human emotion possible - and so, I now have to process it all, and yes, move on. Mourn for what I have lost, and laugh for what I have gained. Freedom is precious. I appreciate it in a new way. My marriage taught me a lot, but above all it taught me empathy - and to appreciate the gift of life and growth, in a way that I never could before.

My future is full of beautiful possibilities, and I am so thankful for the life that led me here. Right where I should be.