Monday, April 8, 2013

Voices

"I am the voice of your history.
Be not afraid, come follow me.
Answer my call and I will set you free."
~ Voice ~

Freedom is bliss. 

When I told a friend that Justin and I had separated, she refused to believe it - couldn't believe that our relationship had such problems. 

It reminded me that often from the outside, people can seem to have it mostly all together - but internally, the opposite is quite true. However even I freely admit that I am still stunned that our relationship came to the end that it did. That it seemingly had so little foundation that all it took was the slightest of touches to blow it away. Ironically, it came at a time when I was finally feeling confident in my relationship and it's stability - that the world had stopped spinning and I was finally able to function a little better both in a relationship, and as myself. 

 That evening, when it all fell apart, we had just gone out to dinner with a group of friends. Life was good, well, seemed good. I look back with a deep sense of irony - I was so intent on having it all together, that I neglected to see the cracks, where all the lies were pouring in. 

I wasn't perfect in our marriage. This I know. I come with a lot of baggage, and a forceful personality. But I am unendingly, brutally honest. He was not. That I know, and in fact, knew.   

It wasn't until I put into action what I had already learnt - that some people cannot change. That hope alone does not work - it takes action and hard work. The truth, should be given as much as possible, particularly when you have made a mistake. They say that you only accept the things that you think you deserve, and for me, I realised that I deserved more. 

25 years is a long time to live with lies. I need to change my expectations - I need to remember that the truth can be, and is, a good thing. That I deserve the truth and the freedoms that brings. To not be afraid. 

Walking in the light, 
Jo

  

1 comment:

  1. Wishing you peace and love in this difficult time.

    BTW, I know you from free jinger as well as LFCA. So funny, to see the only 2 online communities I read have somebody in common. My neice put me on to LFCA, years ago when she was struggling with infertility. I am jjmennonite on free jinger.

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