The Complications of Becoming Fertile

Hi all, 

I was thinking how suddenly - I am not a part of an infertile couple. No longer is my dream so impossible or hard to achieve. It is now possible for me to have a baby the 'old-fashioned' way - perhaps with a little tiny bit of help because of my mild PCOS, but nothing extreme or highly intrusive.

It is strangely both incredibly freeing and saddening, because my former husband won't ever get that opportunity. Others in the infertility world also will never get the second chance that I do. I am just so, so incredibly lucky.

Some part of me will always be thankful for these years facing infertility - it has taught me so much. It has taught me what an amazing gift fertility is and to never, never take it for granted. It has taught me empathy - I can now relate to a whole other world that I, for one, would have never gotten to experience the same way otherwise. It has taught me patience, love, endurance. It made me realise how desperately I want to be a mother, and also, how painful that desperation can be, and just how misunderstood it can be . 

I must admit however, that sometimes, I feel like I am betraying the others that are in the trenches -  while they battle on, I get to walk away. Scarred, certainly, and I will never be the same, but still, walking away. I am sorry for that. Eternally sorry. 

In a strange way - I spent 7 years mourning the children that I could never have with my husband. I can now, finally, lay their ghosts to rest. I can stop wondering what our children would look like, be like. I can just be. 

Jo

Breathing.

When I can't breathe, I tell myself to get through today - just today. And then, when I fear that I won't survive today, I get a phonecall from just the right person, or read just the right sentence. Sometimes, I think surviving life is more about luck - and that little tiny voice of hope... but ultimately, nobody gets out unscathed.

Recently, I read  Eden's most recent post about her experiences in the mental health system. I have been admitted once into a mental health unit  - overnight, after a suicide attempt. I was young, terrified, and very, very out of it. When the next morning came for my 'interview' with the psychologists etc,  I calmly, quietly, talked my way out. Thankfully, I had the arms of my family to run into, but I shudder to think what would have happened if I did not.  Thankfully, now I listen to myself more, and don't let it get to that point - I talk it out, or go for a very long walk with very loud music. It doesn't mean that the idea of suicide has ever left me, or that it ever will, but I have learnt how to manage it better for me...There are awful days, and amazing days and everything in between, but as long as I am alive at the end of them, I have already won. It has taken time, and a lot of hard work, but it is a process. One step at a time, one day a time, and some days, one hour at a time. 

It does get better - cliched, but true. You can find peace with whatever demons are chasing you - but it is a constant process and negotiation. And some days, it is ok to feel that you can't negotiate,   but make sure that you get right back it tomorrow. 

I'm quirky, silly, blunt, and broken. 

My days are sometimes too dark, and my nights are sometimes too long. 

I often trip over my own insecurities. 

I require attention, long for passion, and wish to be desired. 

I use music to speak when words fail me, even though words are as important to me as the air that I breathe. 
I love hard and with all I have... 

And even with all my faults, I am worth loving.

- Danu Grayson -

Good Days, Bad days and In-Between Days

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  

~Anne Lamott~

I have been having good days, bad days and in-between days. Days where I am just ready for it all to be over, and days where I wouldn't change my life for the world.

I feel incredibly lucky. Life has prepared me for this. I am no longer believe that the bad days will never end. I know now, if I just survive this day, the next one will come along. I know that every problem is surmountable, no matter how much I doubt myself.

It doesn't make the dark days any less dark, but it does make them a little easier to bear. That little word 'hope' encourages me to push on, and never give up. It sings a song in my heart, tells me that I have done this before, and I can, and will do it again. It reassures me that I have learnt enough so that this time, it will be easier. I know now that walking away can be a good thing, no matter how much pain you experience in the meantime. The very act of walking away can heal your heart like nothing else. Yes, it creates a new pain - but it will end - whereas staying means it will continue on.

One day at a time. One breath at a time. In, out.

Jo

Surprise!

It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.  Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about. 

 ~Alan Ball~

My new life never ceases to surprise me. It is like I am finding myself again after a deep sleep - and I just cannot believe it still. 

It has surprised me whom has been 'present' in my life through the process, and it hasn't been the people that I think would be there. That is not to say that the rest of my friends haven't been there as well, but it has surprised me who has stayed. Whom still rings me and checks in, after that initial "what is going on" phone call.  

I am surprised at how well (at least, right now), I am coping with all of the changes, and the added responsibility. Also, how in so many ways, it is just easier. The only one I am responsible for is myself, and so there is no one else to blame or, in some cases, no one else to  destroy my hard work. Maybe it is because, in the back of my mind somewhere, there was always a quiet voice warning me that this could happen, it isn't a big shock. Well it is, but it isn't completely unexpected.  

It has been a month since we split and the time is just flying. A lot of decisions to be made, and changes to come, so that I can move on. Priceless.

Jo

Voices

"I am the voice of your history.

Be not afraid, come follow me.

Answer my call and I will set you free."

~ Voice ~

Freedom is bliss. 

When I told a friend that Justin and I had separated, she refused to believe it - couldn't believe that our relationship had such problems. 

It reminded me that often from the outside, people can seem to have it mostly all together - but internally, the opposite is quite true. However even I freely admit that I am still stunned that our relationship came to the end that it did. That it seemingly had so little foundation that all it took was the slightest of touches to blow it away. Ironically, it came at a time when I was finally feeling confident in my relationship and it's stability - that the world had stopped spinning and I was finally able to function a little better both in a relationship, and as myself. 

 That evening, when it all fell apart, we had just gone out to dinner with a group of friends. Life was good, well, seemed good. I look back with a deep sense of irony - I was so intent on having it all together, that I neglected to see the cracks, where all the lies were pouring in. 

I wasn't perfect in our marriage. This I know. I come with a lot of baggage, and a forceful personality. But I am unendingly, brutally honest. He was not. That I know, and in fact, knew.   

It wasn't until I put into action what I had already learnt - that some people cannot change. That hope alone does not work - it takes action and hard work. The truth, should be given as much as possible, particularly when you have made a mistake. They say that you only accept the things that you think you deserve, and for me, I realised that I deserved more. 

25 years is a long time to live with lies. I need to change my expectations - I need to remember that the truth can be, and is, a good thing. That I deserve the truth and the freedoms that brings. To not be afraid. 

Walking in the light, 

Jo

  

Changes.

Hi world,

4 weeks ago my carefully crafted world came down with crash. Or maybe it was a sigh. It is hard to tell.

Letting go of a marriage is hard work. Often we fight the inevitable, just to prove everyone else wrong. We hope that we are reading the signs wrong, that we are loved as much as we hope to be. That we are valued, even when in our hearts of hearts, we know that we are not.

Even now, I feel like I should protect him. Even though, at a certain point, he no longer did the same for me. Even though we both failed at our marriage in parts, I was the one whom had to walk away. Because ultimately, learning, growing and change are a good thing in your own life, and should happen in your marriage as well. If they don't, you have to work out why, and create healthy changes yourself. I have never been one to remain silent, and waiting for him to grow up wasn't something I was willing to wait for. Maybe that makes me a failure. But guess what? Unhealthy patterns continue, and I was worth more.

If a person cannot change, because they don't want to, then sometimes, it is better to let them go and wish them luck on their journey.

It has been 7 years full of every human emotion possible - and so, I now have to process it all, and yes, move on. Mourn for what I have lost, and laugh for what I have gained. Freedom is precious. I appreciate it in a new way. My marriage taught me a lot, but above all it taught me empathy - and to appreciate the gift of life and growth, in a way that I never could before.

My future is full of beautiful possibilities, and I am so thankful for the life that led me here. Right where I should be.

Jo